Best Friends Split After Argument Over Cottage Cheese

Austin Knight, Staff Writer

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On September 7, 2017, 6 friends disbanded from their friend group after a heated argument over cottage cheese.  The argument started when Austin Knight texted in a group chat how his grandmother had made a breakfast of cottage cheese and tomatoes.  Austin expressed his disgust for the breakfast, which was followed by Wescot Washburn, aka Western Washcloth, leaving the group chat entirely (assumedly because of his overwhelming repulsion for the meal).  

After Washcloth was added back into the group chat, the question was asked:  Does cottage cheese taste good by itself?

The consensus was that eating cottage cheese and tomatoes was close to sinful, but no one had discussed if cottage cheese alone was acceptable.  This is when the friends became very argumentative.

Austin Knight and Gracie Wetherington both agreed that cottage cheese was only good in lasagna, and Karli Sizemore claimed that she willingly eats cottage cheese by itself with unnatural regularity.  This was not only true that Knight and Wetherington hated cottage cheese, but even if Knight did like it, he would still claim that he hated it because he, for once, is on good terms with Wetherington and would like to remain there.

After Sizemore’s declaration of love for cottage cheese, Deion Edwards, too, agreed that it was good by itself, and thus he split the group.  It came down to Olivia Savka and Western Washcloth with the deciding votes if cottage cheese was good or not.

Finally, Washcloth casted his vote.  He was pro-cottage cheese, leaving Knight and Wetherington speechless, and the ballot at 3:2.  But there was still hope for the anti-cottage cheese group to get a tie because Savka had yet to vote.

Knight and Wetherington pleaded to Savka to vote anti-cottage cheese, but their efforts proved useless as she too voted to be pro-cottage cheese.

Wetherington and Knight have now forever sworn off the four others from friendship, which wasn’t very smart because they really don’t have too many friends to begin with.